Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The "I" in Life.

Three years ago I really didn’t know who I was. If asked, I couldn’t have told you any dreams or aspirations of mine, because I simply didn’t have any. My life was running stagnant and I was in no rush to change it.

Pushing through those same three years though has changed my entire mindset – and then some. I still don’t quite have myself as figured out as I’d like, but I’m coming around. One bite-sized piece after another I am discovering myself, and who I want to ultimately be.

Anybody who has paid even the smallest ounce of attention to me recently will undoubtedly tell you that I have changed. Personality-wise, priority-wise, style-wise – everything has morphed from the person I was even just one year ago.

Truthfully I believe all of this change, though sometimes overwhelming, is for the better. I finally know what I want to do school and career-wise. Ironically enough though, it was right under my nose for the longest time – I was just too blind to see what was staring me in the face (which happens more often than I’d like).

Life is funny that way. We generally spend the first 20+ years of it learning, growing, and trying to figure out what high school counselors so lovingly call our “hopes, dreams, and future aspirations.” Subsequently, the next 30-60 years (or less if you’re lucky) are spent trying to live out those same “hopes, dreams, and future aspirations” as best as humanly possible. Then hopefully by that time we have the means to retire and make up for 60+ years of lost relaxation and fun (unfortunately most of us will be so worn down by those first 60 or so years that making up for the lost time will be all but slow going, and that’s putting it lightly).

This description of life just doesn’t sit well with me. It never has, which is why I am bound and determined to make my life something different. To me, life is about constant discovery – about finding yourself in the everyday events. Very rarely will anyone be the same person today that they were 5, 10, or 20 years ago, and it’s up to each one of us to evaluate and find who we are in the present. Life doesn’t have to be monotonous or a constant routine. The only reason it ever ends up that way is because we let it. More often than not, we let life live us instead of us living life.

I want to write a book someday – a book about love and hate, about God, about life and my stories of how I discovered myself. I fear it will be long into the future before I am able to even begin writing it, due only to the fact that it will be a long time before I really discover myself enough to fill the pages of a book. Only time will tell though.

I have other thoughts (and people) churning in my heart that need to be written about, but that will have to be saved for another time because it’s a completely different subject. Not to mention it’s 1:50 in the morning and frankly, I need sleep.


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